Chapter 1 - Life at 31 I Forgiving Myself
I turned 31 on December 10th of this month and I spent it alone. I literally sat in my car in tears because I felt like I wasted another year and still didn't accomplish anything. It did not help that I spent it standing in Penn's Landing, staring at the Ben Franklin bridge trying to distract myself.
Once I returned to the car, I thought about how I felt. Have you ever felt like you let yourself down for not being who you wanted to be by that age? Have you been mad at yourself for not thriving like those your age? I'll raise both my hands because this is me.
I remember turning 30 last year telling myself that I had several goals I needed to reach by December 10, 2017 and had a plan to achieve them. There I stood on that exact date feeling completely vulnerable. I learned that I have spent so much of my time focused on helping others and not on myself. I realized that I needed to forgive myself for stumbling through the year and I also learned that I am human and no matter what I say or feel, I have my own limits and that's okay.
I logged into my blog and realized that I have not blogged since October. Last year, I promised myself that I would be blogging full time and blossoming with my photography. Yet, I spent 2017, feeling incredibly unqualified that I did not feel like I was good enough. I constantly compared myself with other bloggers. Comparing yourself is so unnecessary but it’s our norm. I told myself I would blog every week and that definitely did not happen. I was not anticipating everything that happened in 2017 that left my feeling defeated on my own birthday. I have cried, I have screamed , I have shut down, I have prayed. Shortly after my birthday, I went through an experience where someone broke into my apartment and stole some of my equipment and personal items. You never expect to feel so violated and feel like you are not getting a break in life. This has tested my faith where I have been mad at God on my good days then my bad days because I didn't understand. I've had to take a step back and realize that I am not in control and accept that I can't predict how I will react to situations. I have my questions and I have doubt. Yes, I know doubt is not of God but being a Christian is hard and living in a constant sense of doubt is where I am right now.
For 2018, I promised myself that I will work on spiritual growth. My faith is important to me. I mad a decision back in 2016 during one of Pastor Steven Furtick's sermons that I would put my life in the hands of our Creator despite not understanding the process. I still don’t understand what my purpose is but again I have to trust the process. I am throwing myself deep into some reading because I need to focus on working within. I'm not perfect but I know what I am capable of. I know I have a skill in photography and I love being behind a camera. Motivating myself is a struggle everyday. I realize that I don't have my laptop and I have lost some projects I was working on and I get in my feelings. Unfortunately I can’t afford to immediately replace my equipment and immediately the feeling of being unqualified returns. I need to work on myself ... I will not be able to give my best if I am not happy with my current situation. Digging into the scripture has helped!
Psalm 23:3 (ESV) “He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.”
2018 will be a different year. I know for certain that it will be a time of restoration and I plan on speaking that into existence. Be very careful who you share your goals with because not everyone wants to see you grow.
xo, Live BOLDLY!