I'm Fine But I'm Not Ready..

We all have that one moment in our life when things changed. A death of a family member, a break up, a job loss, a divorce.. the list could go on and on but these events have lead to you closing yourself off to the world.  I always refer back to my past relationship and always played the blame game of it being the cause of the change in events in my life. I lost my creativity, my neutral perspective but overall compassion to just accept things for what they were.  

I became the cynical, control freak of a woman who stared at you from a far questioning your intentions. I closed myself off from the world because what would they know... right? They didn't live that event with you.. how would they begin to understand?  Over the last year, I learned holding onto that mess was pointless. You become that angry person for something that happened and you survived... why keep reliving it? I spent the last several months , as Real Kim talk says putting a do not disturb on my heart and began to let go and just heal.  I'm fine now... or so I thought.

If you have read my previous blog posts, you would know that I am quite stubborn and it takes me a bit to let go.. I have no reasoning why I do this but I do. I kept telling myself I was fine until I realized I wasn't.  I realized I was faking it to make it ... I was still cynical, I still had trust issues, I was still stand off to the side and questioning your intentions, I still didnt listen whole heartedly and I still used my words to offend you to the core.  A single conversation triggered months worth of healing because I was lying to myself.

 

It all came to this... 

I'm fine but I am not ready. I realize that I continue to punish people for things done in the past without even realizing it.  This is not okay, I will damage healthy relationships/friendships because of past experiences. This is not healthy for anyone and it will keep you bound to that one moment in your life when you have plenty of memories to make in front of you. You will lose sight of what's in front of you.. trust me I didn't realize how fast my life was going and I refuse to live in such a blur. 

Point of this post is for many of you to understand that your mind is a hard thing to control. You need to learn how to rule your mind or it will rule you. You will continue to relive every negative thing you've experienced because you have allowed your mind to replay these memories. I need to work on this myself, I spent the last year reliving everything that went wrong without realizing that the first step of change is to realize your own mess. 

Dont pay any mind to what people think. You are your own person and overall... no one is you and that's your superpower. 

Live Boldly - xo,

A